Remembering Addison
by McDreamy
Summary: Story starting with my version of the scene between Derek & Addie after Bandaid Covers the Bullet Hole. Please R&R. McMarried Addek
1. Prologue

**A/N: I hope everyone enjoys this story. I am still working on _Shepherd Christmas_, but this one came to me. I just had to put it out.

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The headlights of Derek's Range Rover illuminated the clearing where their trailer was located. He pulled his SUV next to Addison's car and turned off the ignition. He didn't immediately get out of the vehicle to go inside. Instead, his mind drifted to the day's events.

This wasn't the first time one of his case's had touched him and truly meant something. But, this time, Mr. and Mrs. Booker weren't just a married couple; they were himself and Addison. Mrs. Booker was willing to give up a chance at life just to spend a few happy moments with her husband, and sometime in a 15-year marriage Mr. Booker had lost sight of the woman he had fallen in love with.

Derek wished he could pinpoint the exact moment he had stopped seeing the beautiful and spunky woman from nearly 13 years before, but he couldn't. And it had happened.

He sighed. It had been more than a year since he'd walked in on Addison in bed with his best friend. And in all those months, Derek had been blaming Addison for the end of their relationship. He had been playing the part of the victim when he was really a part of the crime.

Mr. Booker had waited till it was nearly too late to begin appreciating his wife; he was lucky to even have a chance. But, maybe, Derek thought, he was luckier. He had a chance to amend his wrongs before it had to come down to life or death.

He ran a hand through his hair and sighed before getting out of the vehicle and heading toward the front door of the trailer. He could see a light from the bedroom window and knew Addison would still awake. He just hoped she would listen.

"Hey," he called out to her.

"Hey," she responded, never taking her eyes from the magazine.

Derek slipped from his shoes and started back for the bed. He took his time as he lay down across the foot of it, looking at his wife. Now, he couldn't seem to remember what he was going to say. He just watched as her eyes scanned the text on the magazine in her lap.

Noticing that he was watching her, Addison wondered, "What?"

It was now or never. Derek sighed and allowed it all to pour out, "I was indifferent. You know, in New York, before Mark, I was just… indifferent toward you."

He could tell that she wasn't sure how to take what he was saying so she warily agreed, "Yes."

But that wasn't all, "And I was absent."

Still confused, she repeated her previous answer, "Yes."

"I'm part of the blame for what's happened to our marriage," He finally admitted, softly.

Addison's response was less confused and much more tender, "Yeah."

It was time to apologize, "I'm sorry. I'm working on it."

The cautious smile she tried to hide made it all worth it, "Okay."

Derek nodded and turned around to begin his ritual for getting ready for bed. He could feel Addison watching him, and he turned so he could see her out of the corner of his eye. She nervously fiddled with her glasses for a moment before placing both them and the magazine on the nightstand.

Addison watched him as he crawled underneath the covers next to her and gave her a soft kiss on the cheek, "Night, Addie."

"Night Derek," Addison scooted so she was lying down and turned off the bedside light.

Derek didn't move. A soft light illuminated the trailer, and he gazed at her silhouetted features. Earlier, Addison had mentioned something about Catherine Deneuve; he had blown her off and ignored the question. But Addison did bear a striking resemblance to the blonde beauty. Why hadn't he ever seen it before?

"You do, you know," He softly mused.

Addison opened one eye and used it to glare at him, "I do what?"

"Look like her," Derek clarified.

Addison opened her other eye and pushed herself into a sitting position, "Is this one of those strange conversations where I need to turn on the light and give up all hope of sleep? Because I certainly have no idea what you are talking about."

"Catherine Deneuve," He smiled and shrugged.

"I thought she was a blonde," Addison countered, a trace of bitterness in her voice

"I was busy earlier," He sighed, "I wasn't thinking. You do look like her in her younger days, though."

A smile crossed her lips, "Thank you."

His only response was a smirk and a nod. His eyes still focused on her face, Derek laid his head on the pillow and watched her. Addison rolled onto her side and smiled at him.

"Good night," Derek reached across and brushed a lock of hair out of her face.

"Night, Derek," Addison closed her eyes.

Derek couldn't sleep, although Addison didn't seem to have the same problem. After only a few moments her breath slowed into the slow and steady pattern that signaled deep sleep. She was gorgeous, Derek realized. It had been years since he had lay wake watching Addison sleep.

She was gorgeous and breathtaking when she was awake. With her makeup perfectly applied, her hair styled without error and her clothing business-like and immaculate, Addison could turn heads and make any man stare. There was no doubt that the public Addison Shepherd, with her strong personality and no frills style, was a knockout. Derek found that Addison fascinating, fun and sexy albeit slightly uptight.

But there was another Addison that was much easier to miss. The quiet brooding Addison that enjoyed afternoons curled up in Derek's flannel shirts with a book. This Addison wasn't bothered by her lack of makeup and spent no time fussing with her hair. She wanted to be reassured and to be held in strong arms. She was beautiful, and she was the Addison that had captured Derek's heart.

Derek placed a kiss on his wife's forehead and allowed his lips to linger there as he savored her presence. He finally pulled away and laid his head back on the pillow. As he closed his eyes and drifted to sleep he knew it was time to remember why he loved Addison. There was no way he could ever fathom forgiving her if he didn't know why he was with her in the first place.


	2. Chapter 1

**A/N**: Yes, I have finally decided to make this into a story... hope you guys enjoy! Please R&R!

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Derek's resolution to rediscover his love for Addison was much easier said than done. His pride had been wounded monumentally by her betrayal, regardless of the fact that she wasn't even solely to blame and had apologized immensely. When he had driven home that night after operating on Celia Booker, his intentions had been pure. He was going to love Addison and work on their marriage.

And then it had become so easy to forget. They'd gone their separate ways when they arrived at the hospital the next morning, the only thing changed that he held her hand until the last possible moment. After that, his attempts had all but ceased. It was now four days after he had promised Addison he would work on it, and his promise had been all but forgotten.

Especially since he hadn't seen his wife the entire day. Bailey had assigned Meredith to him, and they'd spent the entire day working as a well-oiled team. It had been nice; it had been comfortable.

Yes, being with Meredith was nice. Being with her was comfortable and easy. Addison made things complicated, Addison made him earn everything he sought, but with Meredith it required no effort. That was exactly why he sought Meredith out, as "friends" or even more: it was nice to have a relationship that required no work.

He _did_ hate himself for waffling between the two women. It wasn't that he doubted his choice; choosing Addison was one of the smarter things he had ever done. But it was so hard to make his marriage work. It was exhausting.

Which was exactly why a sigh escaped his lips as he entered the trailer and found Addison fully awake and finishing paperwork in the middle of the trailer floor.

"Hey," She didn't look up from the chart she was perusing.

"Hi," Derek slipped his shoes off and gave Doc a pat on the head before heading back to their so-called bedroom.

In the bedroom, he took an abnormally long time changing into lounge pants and a gray T-shirt from NYU in hopes that Addison would be heading to bed by the time he finished, and they wouldn't have to have a _talk_. He had no such luck for Addison's head was still bent over a chart as she scribbled notes.

"I'm going to heat up some of that trout," Derek opened the refrigerator, "Do you want some?"

Addison glanced up and wrinkled her nose, a slightly sick expression on her face, "No thanks, I'm not feeling so wonderful."

Derek took a moment of concern to observe Addison, but she didn't look too ill so he thought nothing of it. With a shrug, he placed part of the filet on a plate and slipped it into the microwave. He set it up to heat for a few minutes and hopped onto the counter to wait.

The smell of the trout began wafting through the trailer, and as the strength increased Addison leapt to her feet and scurried to the bathroom. It took Derek only an instant longer than his wife for him to slip from the counter and follow her. He instinctively kneeled beside her. He placed one hand supportively on her back and used the other to hold her hair from her face as she leaned over the toilet.

A while later, Addison sat back and glanced pitifully at Derek. He stood and reached for a cup they kept by the sink and offered it to her.

"Are you okay?" He'd thrown away all of the resentful feelings toward her, at least for a moment.

Addison took a cautious sip of the water before answering with a nod, "Yeah, I'm fine. Seriously."

He kneeled in front of her and placed his hand on her forehead, "Do you have a fever?"

"No, I'm fine, Derek," Addison repeated adamantly.

Derek nodded, "I believe you because people usually puke because they're fine?"

Addison rolled her eyes and stood slowly, "I'm fine."

"Sure you are," He leaned in and kissed her on the forehead, "Would you humor me and just go to bed? You look exhausted."

Not that she would ever admit it, but Addison was exhausted. She shrugged, "Okay."

"I'll be there in a bit," He watched her exit the bathroom and returned to the kitchen.

The smell of the fish was still in the apartment so he took the plate outside and set it on the ground for Doc to eat. As he searched through the refrigerator for something with a less offensive smell, his mind drifted to the episode he had just witnessed.

Seeing Addison rush to the bathroom to be sick had activated some primal desire in him to care for her. It didn't matter that he didn't feel exceptionally close to her lately, Addison needed him, and he wanted to help her. Maybe it was just a natural instinct to want to take care of and comfort someone in need, but he also couldn't help but wonder if maybe it had a little bit to do with his feelings for Addison.

- -

"Grey, I need you to run the labs on Mrs. Frakes and bring them to me as soon as they're available," Addison walked from the exam room and handed the chart to Meredith.

Meredith nodded, "Is that all?"

"Put a rush on them," Addison walked away briskly in the direction of the bathroom, leaving Meredith alone without a goodbye.

It had been two days since Derek had come home and induced a bout of sickness by fixing trout. The nauseous feeling from that evening had not ever really subsided, though she had only gotten physically sick two other times. She knew she wasn't sick, as she didn't have a fever and had no symptoms other than occasional nausea, but she was definitely feeling exhausted from her hectic work schedule.

These thoughts were all running through Addison's head as she threw herself into a stall in the bathroom and leaned her head over the toilet bowl. Once she had finished emptying her stomach she sat back slowly and stood. When she turned to approach the sink she came face to face with Miranda Bailey, standing hand on hip glaring at Addison.

"Miranda," Addison made her way past the "nazi" to the sink.

"Are you sick?" Bailey followed Addison to the sink but didn't soften her glare.

"I'm not sick," She cupped water in her hand and rinsed the taste from her mouth, "Just a little nauseous."

Bailey cocked and eyebrow and appraised her friend, "Exhausted?"

Addison, who was fixing her hair, looked at Bailey in the mirror, "I'm fine, Miranda. Between you and my husband I'm feeling a little bit smothered."

The other woman would not be deterred, "You're exhausted. Am I right?"

"Fine, I'll admit it. I've been a little more _fatigued_ than usual," Addison grabbed a paper towel to dry her hands.

Bailey observed Addison for a moment, her mind working overtime. When she finally spoke again, Addison was impatiently standing by the door waiting for her friend to end the conversation.

"Are your breasts sore?" Bailey finally asked.

Addison was taken aback by the question, "Miranda! We are not having this discussion."

Bailey shrugged, but her eyebrow was still raised quizzically.

It was no wonder her interns called her the nazi. Her methods of interrogation and guilt matched that of any experienced military operator. Addison gave an overly dramatic sigh and answered begrudgingly, "Fine. Yes, Miranda, my boobs are sore."

At that, Bailey crossed her arms over her chest and flashed Addison a satisfied and cocky smile.

"How can you get satisfaction out of the tenderness of my boobs?" Addison accused and turned for the door, "I'm leaving before this conversation can get _any_ stranger."

With a self-assured walk, Addison left the bathroom confidently. She was halfway to the nurse's station, intent on retrieving a patient's chart, when she stopped dead in her tracks. Slowly she turned around and looked to Bailey who was now standing in the hall watching Addison.

"Do you need something?" Bailey had a gloating grin on her face.

Curiosity was getting the best of her, and she sighed. Her words came out slow and controlled, "Why, exactly, were you asking me those questions?"


	3. Chapter 2

**A/N**: I hope you all are enjoying... and, yeah, FHBs... I've got a soft spot for them

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"And don't you worry for a moment, your husband is going to be fine Mrs. Thomas," Derek assured the woman as he was turning to leave the exam room, "I'm the best at what I do."

He smiled at the couple and stepped into the hallway. As he was putting the chart in the holder just outside the door, something caught his eye.

Addison walked self-confidently from the bathroom, followed closely by Miranda Bailey. He watched as his wife turned cautiously to face the other doctor and ask her something. It was easy to tell that Bailey's response was sarcastic even though Derek was out of hearing range. After a moment of discussion and a glance at the board, Addison and Bailey made their way down the hall and disappeared into an exam room Derek knew wasn't being used.

Derek's curiosity was instantly piqued. The last time Bailey and Addison had taken over an empty exam room, his wife had been suffering from a poison oak rash in an uncomfortable spot. It was logical that his mind would jump to conclusions, and now he was dying to figure out what was going on. Most likely, they were discussing an intern or a patient in a private locale, but there was always the possibility that something else was going on.

And, now, as his mind drifted to all sorts of possibilities, he really wanted to know what was going on. He also knew that it would seem overprotective and nosy if he entered the room and demanded to know.

Derek didn't have any more time to dwell on whatever it was his wife and Bailey were doing behind closed doors because at that moment Meredith Grey came walking up.

"Hey, Der—Dr. Shepherd," Meredith smiled.

"Meredith," Derek was relieved by the distraction, "How are you?"

"I'm doing alright," Meredith glanced at the piece of paper in her hand, "Have you, uh, seen Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd? I have the lab results on our patient, and I was trying to find her."

Derek grinned, seeing this as the perfect opportunity, "I know _exactly_ where she is. Why don't you give me the labs and I'll deliver them?"

"Um," Meredith gave Derek a quizzical look.

"She's with Bailey," He gave the intern a reassuring "McDreamy" smile, "I'll take care of it, Mer."

"Alright," She observed the other doctor curiously, "Thanks."

Derek took the paper from Meredith and moved to walk away before stopping. He looked back at Meredith, hoping this next topic wouldn't be too awkward considering their touchy situation, "You've been working with my wife today, right Mer?"

"Uh, yeah, I have," She nodded, "Why?"

He sighed, "Has she seemed sick to you? I don't think she's been feeling well lately, and she won't admit to it."

It took Meredith several moments to answer. Derek could tell she was waffling between being petty and not answering her ex-boyfriend's question about his wife and answering him honestly. Finally, she spoke, "I honestly haven't noticed anything, Derek. She seems like Addison to me."

"Well, thanks," Derek glanced down at the labs he had just taken from Meredith, "I'll go bring these to her."

"Alright," Meredith smiled and moved to slide past him.

"Wait, Meredith," Derek called to her.

"Hmm?" She gave him a smile.

"I'm sorry; I know how awkward this is for you. I don't try to make it awkward for you," Derek told her honestly.

"We're friends," She smiled.

He nodded and motioned for her to walk on. His eyes watched her receding figure and he noticed, for what may have been the first time, that Meredith's walk was nothing like his wife's. Meredith was casual; her walk made the statement that she wasn't in a hurry to get anywhere. Addison was sleek and stylish; her walk was always confident and with a purpose.

It was as if a woman's walk highlighted who she was as a person. He finally tore his eyes away from Meredith's retreating figure and looked down at the paper in his hand. His attention was now focused on finding his wife, and he turned and sauntered toward the exam room.

- -

"Miranda, this test is pointless," Addison repeated for the hundredth time, "I'm not pregnant. I _can't_ be pregnant. It's not possible."

Bailey rolled her eyes, "I thought you were a doctor. Honestly."

"I'm not pregnant," Addison sighed heavily, in such a way that suggested she knew very well that she was.

"And if you are?" The other woman wondered cautiously.

Addison didn't answer; she couldn't. Having a baby would change everything in such a way that she couldn't even fathom. And that wasn't even taking into account what Derek's reaction would be.

Her husband was still hesitant to touch her. He was often reluctant to make love to her. Even if he had apologized for his part in the destruction of their marriage and told her he was working on it, she had yet to see the fruit of his labors. They were, at best, on shaky ground. It was impossible to tell if they could even handle a baby at this point in their relationship.

She sighed and answered, her voice laden with uncertainty, "Then I'm going to handle a baby. I'll handle it."

If there were something she could have done to comfort her friend, Miranda Bailey would have done it. She could read Addison easily and knew that her uncertainty was a byproduct of her shaky marriage. Bailey momentarily considered hitting "McDreamy" upside the head with a clipboard, but she didn't figure that would help in his situation with Addison.

"You'll be a good mother," Bailey reassured her, "Besides, the child will have some fantastic hair."

Addison chuckled at that, feeling the mood lift a little bit, "They will have fantastic hair."

Bailey looked down at the test, turning serious again, "So, do you want to know?"

Addison nodded and bit her bottom lip.

"You are," Bailey answered simply.

A small smile crept onto Addison's lips, "Okay."

Bailey opened her mouth to respond, but she was interrupted by a knock at the door. She gave Addison a look that said, "I'll take care of it" and walked to the door and cracked it open.

"Do you need something, Shepherd?" Bailey wondered.

"Miranda," Derek flashed her a smile, "Is my wife in there?"

"Yes she is," Bailey nodded.

"Can I _see_ her?" Derek rolled his eyes.

"Come on in, Derek," Addison called from the exam room.

Reluctantly, Bailey stepped away from guarding the door and allowed Derek to enter.

"What's going on?" Derek looked from his wife to Bailey.

"What are you doing here?" Addison avoided his question.

"I ran into Meredith; she asked me to give you this," He handed Addison the piece of paper in his hand, "Labs for your patient."

"Thanks," Addison was relieved that Derek wasn't solely checking up on her.

Derek nodded, once again looking between his wife and Bailey in hopes of an answer, "So, what are you doing in here?"

Addison took a moment to observe her husband. His eyes were focused on her in concern and interest. Lately it was becoming more rare for Derek to look at her and see Addison. She couldn't help but wonder if maybe this would be the last time Derek would actually see her.

She swallowed hard, "I have something to tell you, Derek."

"What is it?" Derek urged her to continue.

"_Please_ don't freak out when I tell you," She begged, "It's going to be a shock, but you can't go crazy."

"Fine, I promise," Derek agreed, "Just tell me."

Addison's eyes drifted to Bailey for reassurance before fixing them on her husband's face. She sighed and spoke softly, "I'm pregnant, Derek."

She felt a pang in her heart when Derek's face dropped from avid curiosity to a look of shock and terror. His eyes searched her face, almost as if he were waiting for the punch line to a joke.

His eyes drifted upward as he simply said, "Okay."

Addison gaped at him. Of all the reactions she had been expecting from Derek, this one had never even entered her mind. It was almost a non-reaction, and it nearly broke her heart.

She sighed and was trying to formulate an Addison-esque remark when the ringing of a pager filled the room. All three doctors glanced instinctively to their waists.

"It's me," Derek looked back up at his wife, "I have to go."

With that, he made a speedy exit leaving Addison and Bailey in the room. Bailey's eyes drifted to Addison who was sitting in shock.

"I can go kick his McDreamy ass, if you'd like," She offered.

Addison shook her head and forced back the tears, "You know, Miranda, I'm not even sure it's worth it anymore."


	4. Chapter 3 A

**A/N**: Feedback is adored... The second part will be up soon

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Derek's stormy rampage into the locker room after his surgery had sent the few interns scuttling off in different directions, not wanting to get caught up in whatever it was that had Derek in such an awful mood. He debated swinging his fist and one of the lockers to vent his frustration but thought better of it, knowing the chief would kill him for doing that to his "2-million dollar a year hand."

Instead, he sank slowly onto the bench and buried his face in his hands. If he had been sad, tears would have slipped through his fingers. If he had been angry, his hands would have muffled screams.

But Derek couldn't really pinpoint what he was. He was both angry and sad. He was confused. He was stuck in a dark room with no way of finding a light. He was scared. Even more, he was tired.

He was tired of hating his wife. He was tired of trying to forgive her. He was tired of giving up Meredith. He was tired of being friends with Meredith. Hell, at this point he was even tired of his job.

He wanted a simpler time. He wanted a time before he'd gone to Med School and complicated his life. He wanted a time when he and Addison had been happy newlyweds in New York. He wanted the simplicity of his relationship with Meredith. He wanted to love the Addison who had traveled across the country to try to make their marriage work.

But none of that was happening. He was living in a trailer with his wife, whom he didn't even like most of the time. His wife was carrying his baby. And he was seriously questioning his ability as a doctor, being that all three of his patients had died on the table.

"What kind of a man can't even smile when his wife tells him she's pregnant?" Derek wondered aloud to the empty room.

A selfish man. A cruel man. A pig. All of those answers seemed pretty adequate as far as Derek was concerned. And as hard as he tried to reason it, Derek was the man who couldn't even fake a smile when his wife announced they were having a baby. And he hated himself for it.

At one time, a baby wouldn't have been a question. They'd talked about children but always postponed trying to conceive. They worked insane hours and were never quite ready to sacrifice their career for a little person. It was kind of a mutual agreement that a baby would come later, at an undetermined time, but if it happened by accident they would be happy.

And as time went on, they just continued to push off having a baby. Their careers were on the fast track. They grew apart, and having a baby was pushed by the wayside.

But here he was. Almost 9 months away from being a father, and he still wasn't sure he was in love with his wife. How could he bring a baby into a marriage that was still on such shaky ground? How could he and Addison band together and care for a child when most of the time they couldn't even be in the same room?

He desperately wished he could shut off his brain. He needed a break from the thoughts that seemed to be haunting him constantly. He needed to take some time and just not think. But that was easier said than done.

With a sigh, Derek stood slowly and shed his lab coat before hanging it in his locker. He wasn't particularly in the mood to change into the clothes he had worn to work, so he remained in his scrubs and shoved his clothes into a duffel bag. After slipping his wallet and keys into the bag, he slung it over his shoulder and left the locker room.

For a moment he was tempted to make his way to the on-call room and stay there for the night. Not having to deal with Addison, not having to face the mess he had made, sounded really nice, but it also was laced with cowardice.

Derek Shepherd was not a coward. No matter how confused he became at anything else; he was not a coward. He'd been acting like a coward for some time now, always running away from Addison and not facing the truth. Addison wasn't something he could just wipe away from his life and just forget, even before she dropped the bombshell on him.

But that wouldn't stop him from taking his precious time to get home. He wasn't in a hurry. He kept his eyes focused on the floor as he waited for the elevator; he didn't want to talk to anyone right now. Because, even if they weren't aware how horrible he was being toward his wife, they certainly knew his track record for the day.

A few people stepped off of the elevator when it stopped at Derek's floor before he stepped on and selected the lobby. The doors weren't even shut when he slumped against the wall, his eyes still focused on the floor.

"You okay?" Meredith broke the silence.

He glanced up, not having realized he wasn't the only one on the elevator. With a sigh, he answered almost gruffly, "It's not the time, Meredith."

"This is just a friend asking about a friend," Meredith wasn't deterred, "Addison seemed awfully distant, quiet even, after you brought her the patient's labs. Is everything alright?"

Derek shook his head, "It's still not the time, Meredith. I can't do this right now."

With that, he stepped from the elevator into the lobby, leaving the intern behind. He couldn't stand there and talk to Meredith about his wife when he couldn't even stand to talk to his wife. There was a rain drizzling outside, but Derek didn't mind.

The rain was refreshing, rejuvenating. He hoped it would cleanse his mind and help him to see the answer to his dilemma more clearly. But it didn't seem to be helping at all. It was just managing to make his scrubs cling to his body and his hair into stringy masses. But Derek kind of liked the grungy, soaked feeling from the rain. It matched his inside turmoil.

After standing alone just outside the Seattle Grace exit for several minutes, Derek knew he had to move. But he didn't know where to go. His eyes drifted from where his Range Rover was parked several rows down in the parking lot to the Emerald City Bar across the street where Joe was certainly waiting with a full bottle of scotch.

And, just then, Derek Shepherd wasn't sure where he should go.


	5. Chapter 3 B

**A/N**: This is part 2 to Chapter 3. Read and Review as always!

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If Derek was in bad shape and hurting from the events as of late, Addison was in even worse shape. She'd spent the afternoon performing two emergency surgeries, and though they both turned out successful, they had exhausted her. The cool cloth on her head was doing nothing to curb her nausea or headache. And, adding insult to injury, the image of Derek's shocked face after she announced that she was pregnant seemed to be permanently engrained on the inside of her eyelids.

The worst part of it all was that she didn't even know what to do. Was she supposed to cry and run into Derek's arms for comfort? Was she supposed to yell at him and threaten a divorce? For that matter, was she supposed to sign the papers and build a new life for herself and the baby? And on an even tougher and less desirable track, was she supposed to not even _have_ the baby?

She shook her head; that wasn't an option. She would never do that. But the other options were not nearly so unreasonable. They all provided a solution for her dilemma, yet each came with downfalls that she couldn't handle.

She couldn't run crying to him; she wouldn't forgive him that easily. She couldn't threaten divorce; if she did, he might actually agree to it. She couldn't leave; she wasn't strong enough to just build a life without him, without a fight.

As far as Addison could see, there was no solution. Nothing she could do would make their marriage work. Nothing she could do would erase the pain in their recent past. And nothing she could do would magically create an environment she would bring a baby into with a clean conscience.

Addison didn't have a chance to dwell on what needed to happen because Doc decided to pounce onto the bed, and atop of her, at that very moment. She groaned as she choked back a wave of nausea and her hand traveled to her forehead.

"God, Doc, get off," She used her feet to move the dog onto the bed and off of her.

The dog lowered his ears and made a low whining noise to show he didn't appreciate Addison's rejection. Addison gave a small smile and snaked her hand out to scratch the top of Doc's head.

"What do ya want? Or are you just looking for some company?" Doc gave Addison's hand an appreciative lick. "Yeah, me too."

She slid the washcloth from her forehead and slowly moved to a sitting position. Her head pounded and her stomach churned, but Addison stood and patted her hip for Doc to follow. The dog raised his head and seemed to debate following his master for several moments before slowly getting to his feet and following Addison.

"Go on out," Addison held the trailer door open for Doc to go outside, "I'm not really in the mood for you, Doc."

If she hadn't been feeling physically ill, Addison would have felt guilty about letting her attitude about Derek affect Doc. But as the animal slowly made his way outside, Addison didn't even feel a tinge of guilt.

She pulled the trailer door shut and walked back to the bed, no longer able to remain detached from her earlier musings. As she began changing into her pajamas, Addison resumed thinking.

Maybe it wasn't supposed to come down to what she _should_ do or _could_ do. It might have been more important to consider what she wanted. And Addison knew exactly what she wanted.

She wanted Derek to take her in his arms like he had when they were first together. She wanted Derek to love her the way he had before he had become "indifferent." She wanted never to have made the idiotic mistake of trying to find Derek in his best friend instead of forcing her husband to see her. She wanted Meredith Grey to never have had a relationship with her husband. She wanted to have a baby with the funny and intelligent Derek Shepherd that looked at her as if she were the only person in the world, who would never have called Addison Satan and actually meant it.

There was only one problem. Nothing Addison wanted was even remotely possible. So, once again, she found herself at an impasse. There truly was nothing to be done.

When Derek had come home, nearly a week before, and announced that he was finally acknowledging his role in Addison's infidelity, Addison had honestly believed there was some hope. She knew that it wouldn't be like some magic switch would be flipped and Derek would suddenly become the man she had married. That would take time. But she had expected to at least see some change in his actions. There had been nothing; he was still indifferent and absent.

It was hard not to consider the painful possibility that Derek had honestly stopped caring. The way he sought Meredith Grey out to be friends, the way he didn't watch her when she would undress in line of sight and the way he ignored her completely when she tried to spark intelligent conversation were all clues Addison should have taken months before that Derek wasn't interested. Even if it was that apparent, Addison couldn't just believe that he had given up until he actually said the words.

But it was still entirely too painful to put forth effort into their marriage when Derek was completely unreceptive to her actions. His indifference cut like a knife through her whenever she thought about it, and Addison wasn't sure she could handle anymore of it.

That was when Addison realized that Derek had never known what it was like to live with an absent spouse. He had never known what it was like to live with a person who couldn't have cared less whether you were there or not. Maybe treating Derek with a little indifference would show him just how painful it was. Or maybe it would drive him even further away.

Despite the negative repercussions, indifference was the only tactic Addison hadn't attempted in repairing her marriage. She sighed as she lay her head back onto the pillow and tried to muster the courage it would take to ignore her husband.

Maybe she couldn't do it. She had never been one to back down, to concede, and displaying indifference would force her to do just that. Indifference was something Addison Shepherd had never managed. But she also knew facing Derek when he returned to the trailer, _if_ he returned to the trailer, would be far too painful to face.

Addison closed her eyes, knowing that even if she would never be able to manage true indifference, she wouldn't have to face Derek before she was ready. It would be easier just to be asleep.


	6. Chapter 4

**A/N**: Feedback loved, required and desired...

* * *

Addison entered the empty on-call room and slowly lowered herself onto one of the beds. She was finding it rather difficult to combat morning sickness that was afflicting her, and her surgeries managed only to heighten it. And it seemed as if wherever she turned, she was face to face with Meredith Grey. Though she hadn't seen Derek since she had told him she was pregnant the day before, seeing the intern forced Addison to remember the shabby state of her marriage.

So an empty on-call room seemed like a well-deserved escape after a successful surgery. She allowed her eyes to drift closed, and she couldn't stop herself from imagining what would make this moment absolutely perfect. She would, of course, be laying on her stomach with her scrub top scrunched high up her back. Derek would be straddling the backs of her legs as his strong surgeon's hands worked their magic on her aching back.

A sigh escaped Addison's lips at just the thought of it. Exchanged back rubs in on-call rooms were rituals from more than a dozen years previously when they were both interns. Not only were they the perfect way to release tension, they were certainly something Addison attributed to developing her relationship with Derek. There was a certain closeness the back rubs provided that was unlike anything else. But, Addison realized, she couldn't even remember the last time she and Derek had comforted each other in that manner. It would have certainly been years; that much she knew.

Her stomach lurched, and she debated running to the bathroom. The feeling passed after only a moment, and Addison inhaled a deep breath and relaxed on the pillow.

At this moment, the door to the on-call room opened. Addison shifted her eyes to the opening door, hoping the person entering wasn't either her husband or an intern. She had no patience to put up with either.

Her fears were calmed when she realized the figure gracing the doorway was just Miranda Bailey, a slightly cross yet concerned expression gracing her face. Addison gave Bailey a nod of recognition but did not move.

Bailey stepped inside the room, shutting the door behind her. She leaned slightly against the wall opposite to Addison and crossed her arms over her chest. Her eyes were taking in the other woman as if judging her.

"You know, Miranda, you scare me just a bit," Addison commented with a grin, "That judgmental stare makes me rather glad I'm _not_ your intern."

Bailey took a moment to size Addison up and retorted, "You never would have survived as my intern. I would have eaten you for lunch."

Addison rolled her eyes, "Don't mention eating. The thought of food is revolting."

"Eating will curb the sickness," Bailey told her simply, "You're an OB. You should know that."

"I'm in a career that doesn't really provide a lot of time for eating every two hours," Addison countered, "Besides, it's been suggested that the nausea during pregnancy is a sign of a healthy level of hormones. It may also be responsible for releasing toxins, thus increasing the health of the child."

"Oh don't spout technical jargon at me," Bailey scoffed, "You think you're too good to be a miserable pregnant woman because you know why you're sick?"

Addison sighed, "Do you have a way to stop it?"

"I swore by Ginger Ale. Tucker bought it in bulk for me."

Addison gave an appreciative smile, but she couldn't help thinking that she didn't have a husband who would make it his goal to keep her satisfied.

As if reading Addison's mind, Bailey spoke, "The offer is still open to kick his ass. I've been looking for an excuse to rip the McDreamy off his face since he arrived."

"I told you, Miranda, I don't want you spending time worrying about Derek," Addison told her softly, "It's too much work to make him care. And it doesn't even make a difference."

"You really believe that?"

Addison pushed herself to a sitting position and swung her legs over the edge of the bed, "I have to. There's nothing else I can do."

Bailey wished there were something she could say, something she could do, to relieve Addison's tension. But, there was nothing to do at the moment and they both had patients to attend to. She reached for the door and said to Addison, over her shoulder, "If you're already defeated then he's already won."

Bailey was out of the door before Addison could respond.

* * *

It always amazed Derek that he could sense Addison's presence before he even knew she was in a room. He could tell what she was thinking before she would even say a word. He was so in tune to her, that just one angry glance from her could send him cowering in fear.

After the betrayal, Derek feared that connection had been lost. He doubted it had ever existed. He worried that it had just been a figment of his imagination, something he had created to make his marriage seem perfect. And even when he had chosen Addison and allowed her back into his life, he had been at a loss to know what she was thinking.

But last night, he had come into the trailer and _known_. He had known something was wrong. Something just wasn't right. Addison was asleep, she didn't say anything, but a fear had washed over him and he _knew_.

He sighed, wishing he could figure out exactly what it was that he had known so clearly. Of course he knew that she was upset. Of course he knew that she was probably going to kill him. Those were givens. But there had been something more, something that had truly unsettled him.

As he stepped off the elevator, Derek's eyes drifted toward he nurse's station where his wife was leaning against the counter talking to Izzie Stevens. She was not showing any of the emotions he knew she should have been feeling. Nothing Derek could see gave away what he had felt last night.

The confident smile on her face would never have suggested to someone that Addison was secretly feeling pain. In fact, Addison's entire demeanor seemed to indicate the direct opposite. She appeared unaffected by anything that was happening.

He wished he could pinpoint what he had felt the night before. He wanted to know what was going on with his wife. He needed an answer. And he knew what to do.

Slowly, nonchalantly, Derek started down the long expanse of hallway between himself and Addison. He hadn't made it very far when Addison patted the intern on the arm and turned away in the direction of the locker room. Derek was not deterred, in fact, he was rather glad she had slipped away to a more private venue. He hoped this would allow him to talk to her. Maybe at least force something out of one of them, something that would make this whole situation easier.

He leaned against the swinging door to the locker room and stepped inside. He gave a cursory glance around to make sure they were alone before walking down the aisle of lockers to where Addison's locker was.

Without even realizing what he was doing, Derek leaned against the lockers that ran parallel to Addison's. His eyes trailed her body as he watched her slip her blouse from her shoulders before shimmying out of her skirt. Derek closed his eyes and inhaled. If things hadn't been so confused between the two of them, his hands, and lips, would have been all over her.

Addison turned to prop her foot on the bench so she could remove her garters and gave a small jump of shock at seeing Derek there. But other than the initial shock, Addison gave no reaction to his presence and simply went about grabbing a pair of scrubs to change into.

Derek was slightly miffed at her lack of reaction, and he softly spoke, "Um, hi?"

"Hi," Addison deftly tied the scrub bottoms before slipping the top over her head.

If he hadn't just been granted a view of her familiar body and hadn't been able to see her flaming hair, Derek would have questioned whether the woman standing in front of him was actually his wife. Her lack of response to him was odd. But it most definitely was his wife.

"I, um, missed you this morning," Derek fumbled with his words.

"I got paged," Addison shut her locker door.

"And the, uh, _thing_?" Derek tried to wonder about the baby, but his whole idea of how this conversation would go had been turned on its head. He was just plain confused.

Addison gave a noncommittal shrug and, scrub cap in hand, turned to walk from the locker room.

Derek stared after Addison's retreating figure. He wasn't sure that he could believe the exchange that had just happened between them. Addison had shrugged him off, and it wasn't even as if she were irritated, which he would have expected. Her actions just seemed as if she didn't care. Like she didn't care that her husband was trying to talk to her, like she didn't care that he had been watching her change, like she didn't care that he had been a complete asshole the day previously.

And he just didn't get it. Addison, at least as of late, seemed to be always trying to instigate conversation with him. And if she wasn't trying that, she was apologizing or trying to instigate their old games from New York, most of which would have ended in both of them wearing nothing.

But, this, _this_ was unexpected. Did Addison really not care? Had he pushed her so far away that she had honestly stopped caring? Was this baby the last straw, the one that would break the proverbial camel's back?

Derek sighed. He honestly didn't know. Was the thing he had felt last night this indifference? It was so uncharacteristic of Addison he couldn't bring himself to believe it was actually happening. He was certain there was more. Or at least he thought he was, did he even really know her, still?

He still didn't feel as if he knew anything lately. He didn't know why he still yearned to be with Meredith, a woman he had never truly been able to love. He didn't know why he had been indifferent to Addison, the woman who had made his life complete. He didn't know why he couldn't hate Addison after she had betrayed him. He didn't know why he couldn't let go of the past. And he certainly still didn't know why he couldn't just take her in his arms and celebrate that they had created a life.

Derek Shepherd hated not knowing. He needed to be in charge. He needed to know that his life, his choices were his. They didn't belong to anyone else. And with this new Addison, it was a continual state of confusing. He never knew. It was just question after question.

He didn't have time to figure out his life, right now. He had surgeries. He had paperwork. He had errands. He had things to do.

He would worry about his wife later.


	7. Chapter 5

A/N: I debated long and hard abut Addison's OB/GYN. I wasn't sure whether I wanted her to go in the hospital or to find someone outside. Regardless, I had to write a new character; I think she'll play some what of a role in the story. But, nonetheless, Addison is going to a private practice beause the hospital doesn't quite work.

Hope you all enjoy it! Feedback is good.

* * *

Addison deftly maneuvered her car into an empty parking stall near the front door of her new OB/GYN's office. She turned off the ignition but didn't move to leave the car. She was rather grateful she had made the decision to look outside Seattle Grace for treatment, she didn't need any more of her personal life to enter the hospital grapevine than was necessary, and she was glad she'd found an old Med School friend to treat her. But Addison was still afraid to go inside.

If she walked into the building for her first prenatal appointment there would be no turning back. She would step in there, alone, and officially become a mother. Not that she wasn't one now, but she'd seen the look of first realization on too many mother's not to know that the reality of it all would dawn on her when the fetal heart tones filled the room. And Addison wasn't sure she was ready.

She sighed; there was no choice. Not going in would be admitting defeat, and Addison Shepherd didn't lose. Addison wasn't afraid of anything. She was strong and could take anything life threw in her direction. Or at least that was what she had always believed until now, when fear and doubt were closing in on her.

But she wouldn't allow herself to dwell on that. She had to be strong. It would be impossible to survive if she worried about Derek's absence. It would have been impossible to survive if she continually questioned his commitment to her. No person was strong enough to handle everything she had been dealt. Knowing this, she pushed her troubling thoughts away and stepped up to the receptionist's desk.

"I'm Addison Montgomery-Shepherd; I have an appointment with Dr. Daniels," Addison told the younger woman, feeling slightly awkward at being in a doctor's office where she wasn't known for the first time in years.

"Please take a seat over there, Ms. Montgomery-Shepherd," The woman motioned to the chairs filled with expectant mothers at all stages, "We'll be with you in a moment."

Addison nodded and nonchalantly took a seat between a woman who, by the looks of it, must have been in her final trimester and definitely carrying twins and a woman only a few months along. Her trained doctor's eye examined those in the room instinctively, and she momentarily forgot she was there as a patient.

She was grateful for the distraction and didn't remember her problems until a nurse in bright scrubs called her name. Addison stood slowly and followed the woman back to an exam room. She managed to resist the urge to roll her eyes as the nurse explained what would happen on this first appointment and exactly what Addison would need to tell the doctor when she came in.

"Thank you," Addison took the gown from the nurse and waited for her to leave.

Addison changed into the gown and pulled the blanket over her lap as she sat in the stirrups in the middle of the room. Her mind slowly made its way back to her disturbing predicament. She was just beginning to feel as if she were drowning in a pool of confusion when a knock at the door announced the doctor's arrival.

Julia Daniels was a well-respected OB/GYN whom had attended Medical School at Columbia with Derek and Addison. She had been Addison's friend through most of their rigorous training program and had been a bride's maid when the Shepherds had married. Their friendship had been relegated to the occasional phone call and exchanged Christmas cards when Julia had left New York to do her internship in Texas. But now, Addison was glad Julia had found herself in Seattle, it was comforting to have someone she could trust as her doctor.

"Addie Shepherd? That can't seriously be you!" Julia's face was plastered with a broad grin as she kicked the door shut and walked to hug her old friend.

"Hey, Julia," Addison appreciatively embraced Julia, glad to have some feeling of affection from anyone.

"Okay," Julia looked down at the chart in her hands, "Addie Shepherd is pregnant and she picked _me_ as her doctor? I'm honored."

"Hey, I can't be my own doctor," Addison teased.

Julia sank onto her examination stool and slid around the room, all business. As she pulled on her examination gloves, she wondered "So where's the other Dr. Shepherd? Off saving lives, I suppose."

Addison sighed, resting her head back against the pillow. She bit down on her bottom lip and turned her eyes away from Julia. This would be a question she knew she would face many times during her pregnancy, but that didn't make it any easier. She sighed and answered honestly, "Derek is very busy."

Though she noticed Addison's avoidance, Julia didn't comment. It had been years since she and Addison had truly spoken, and she didn't feel it was her place. After a moment of observation, she turned to business and began her examination of Addison.

As Julia moved around in a pattern that was second nature to Addison, Addison began to look forward. Beyond just the struggles she would face in the next few days and weeks, especially with Derek. For the next seven months, she would be carrying a child. People would ask her daily about Derek and his feelings, and she would be without an answer.

She closed her eyes to block the tears that were threatening to form. Was she honestly strong enough to handle all of this on her own? There were about million obstacles to face before she would even have the child, and there were just as many more after. How could anyone manage it without a supportive husband by her side?

"Addie?" Julia's voice broke Addison's reverie.

"Hmm?" Addison looked toward her friend.

"I was just going to warn you that the gel is going to be cold," She held the ultrasound gel bottle over Addison's stomach and squeezed it on there.

Addison waited, with bated breath, for the familiar sound to fill the room. She exhaled heavily when it finally did. The fetal heart tone was nothing new to Addison; it was her job to listen to it nearly every day. But knowing that it was coming from her made it entirely different. It was suddenly much more real.

All she could manage was to whisper, "Wow."

* * *

The thought of returning to the hospital directly after her appointment was too much for Addison. That was why she had taken an extra hour afterwards to walk around the downtown Seattle area collecting her thoughts. An hour wasn't nearly long enough for her to come to any conclusion about her struggles, but it was all the time she could take out of her day.

And now she was back at the hospital signing off on a few charts before it was time to scrub in for surgery. She knew that most women in her situation would have needed time off. Most women would have taken time alone to cry and determine their next plan of action. Work would have been the last thing on their mind.

That wasn't the case for Addison. Though it took some effort to gain enough composure to make it to work, Addison needed to be there. Work was her escape. Nothing could take her mind off of her troubles like emergency C-sections and trips to the NICU. She was the best in her field for that very reason. Work was her haven, the one place where she always knew she belonged. It was one of the places that made her happiest.

Of course, her love of work combined with Derek's never ending dedication had been exactly what had brought them to this hopeless point in their marriage. But that didn't seem to make a difference. She sought out the comfort of holding the scalpel in her hand. She needed the rush of adrenaline when a life was truly on the line. And she truly desired the feeling that warmed her when she passed a healthy newborn to its proud mother.

Those amazing feelings were exactly what Addison was expecting as she made her way to the scrub room. She leaned against the sink and looked at the cap she was holding in her hand. Addison twisted her long locks in the manner of someone who had done it hundreds of times before and slipped her scrub cap over the hair.

"Need some help?" Derek's voice came from the doorway that separated the scrub room from OR 1.

Addison was faced away from him, and she had to take a few breaths to remind herself of her vow. She would not show him her pain. She would not show him just how much she needed him. She would turn the tables. It was her chance to be indifferent.

"I can manage," Addison tugged at the strings dangling down her back and lifted them to tie.

"Seriously, Addie," Derek said softly and stretched his arms out to grab the ends of the string.

Addison pulled away and tied the cap quickly, "I've got it."

She reached for the sink, beginning the required steps for sanitizing and cleaning her hands for surgery. If she was lucky, Derek would take her hint and walk away. But she had to bite her lip to keep from reacting when he stood motionless just a few feet away from her.

"Addie?" Derek's voice seemed almost lost.

Addison kept her eyes locked on her fingers as she scrubbed at them intently, "Yes?"

The silence between them was almost deafening. She wasn't sure if Derek had lost the courage to speak or if he truly didn't _want_ to, but she did know Derek wasn't speaking. And his silence was terrifying. It was forcing Addison to draw her own conclusions about what every little detail meant.

Finally, Derek saved Addison from her thoughts and spoke slowly, "Is there something going on? Something I need to know about? You seem different."

Addison felt her breath catch in her throat. Of course she knew Derek wasn't dense and he would catch on to what she was doing rather quickly, but she hadn't expected him to broach the topic so soon. Derek seemed to have joined her in his passive-aggressiveness lately.

But he did ask. He did know. And now Addison had to answer. Or at least do something. She shook her hands to remove the excess water from them and stepped away from the sink. Her eyes locked with his as she backed to the door, ready to enter the OR.

"I don't have any idea what you're talking about Derek," She lifted her shoulders in a shrug and ducked into the OR.

When she stepped into the OR a scrub nurse immediately approached her with a mask and gloves. As Addison waited for the woman to glove her and pull the mask over her mouth, she wondered about Derek. Was he honestly trying to care? Was he honestly concerned about Addison? About the baby?

No, she determined. Derek wasn't one to just turn around his feelings. He was too stubborn to just change overnight. Nothing with him came easily; it required months and months of work. Addison knew all of this, and yet she couldn't push away the tiny ray of hope that one question had brought her.

She stepped up to the table gloved, masked and ready to perform surgery. There was no more time to worry about Derek. The woman on the table in front of her deserved all of her attention. With only a moment of concentration, Addison made the transformation from Derek's struggling wife to the no-nonsense Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd and leaned over the table prepared to work.


	8. Chapter 6

**A/N: As always, I hope you guys enjoy... your feedback is appreciated!

* * *

Derek's eyes drifted from the operating table to the gallery above. He always felt a surge of pride and, if he would allow himself to admit it, attraction when he found Addison observing his surgery. _His_ surgery. And it was now a habit to search for the beautiful redhead in the room above.**

An unconscious sigh escaped his lips when he realized the only person watching the surgery was a neurology fellow who wasn't even really paying attention. Behind the surgical mask that covered most of his face, Derek bit his lip. It was painful to realize that Addison didn't even care enough to watch him perform surgery. The mutual respect they held for each other's talent was one of the few things he could count on in their shaky marriage, and now he wondered if Addison had lost even that.

His eyes finally dropped back to the brain in front of him. Obsessing over his wife's absence wasn't proving to be productive at any time, and it certainly wasn't making things better for anyone if he allowed it to interfere with his work. And, with that, he emptied his mind of everything except the medical knowledge he needed for a successful surgery.

* * *

"Is Dr. Webber in his office, Patricia?" Addison asked the chief's receptionist.

Patricia answered with a smile and a nod, motioning for Addison to walk into the chief's office.

Richard was on the phone when Addison stepped into the room, and he motioned for Addison to take a seat in one of the two chairs in front of his desk. She shut the door behind her for privacy's sake. She then sat in front of her mentor and watched him casually.

She had met Richard years before when she and Derek were Interns. Richard was an attending and had immediately taken a liking to the strong-willed and talented redhead. Though their specialties were not the same, he had seen potential in Addison and had taken her under his wing as a mentor. Their relationship had soon blossomed into a friendship, and she now considered both Richard and his wife two of her closest friends.

Which was why, in one of the toughest and most confusing times of her life, Addison had come into his office for guidance. She smiled as her eyes traveled along the pictures Richard had displayed on the table behind his desk. There was several of Adele at her most beautiful, interspersed with two pictures of the Webber's daughter. Addison beamed when she saw a picture of herself and Derek dressed in evening attire at the banquet held to send Richard off to Seattle.

"Sorry about that, Addie," The chief turned to the woman in front of him, "I've been trying to work out a transfer with Mercy West all day, but it seems to be caught up in red tape."

Addison was still observing the picture of herself and Derek, at their happiest, when Richard finished his explanation. She nodded, "That's hospital bureaucracy for you."

He smiled appreciatively, and he glanced to the picture that had caught Addison's attention, "It's a good photo of you both."

"You keep us right up there with pictures of Adele and Nicole?" Addison turned her attention to her mentor.

"You're family, why wouldn't I?" He answered as if it were completely obvious.

All Addison could muster was a bittersweet smile. Richard, a man she adored but was not related to, considered her and Derek family. And there was a certain irony in that. At this time, she wasn't even certain that _she_ considered Derek her family, and she knew Derek certainly wasn't thinking of Addison as his family.

"What's weighing on your mind, Addison?" Richard wondered softly, apparently sensing Addison's inner turmoil.

She sighed and shook her head, "I have some news."

Richard nodded, urging her to continue, "Hmm?"

"I, um," Addison paused, the last time she had announced to someone that she was expecting had been Derek. And that hadn't gone well at all.

"Addison, you can tell me anything."

She breathed deeply and exhaled before answering, "I recently found out that—that I'm pregnant."

Several moments of silence followed Addison's announcement, just as they had when she'd told Derek, but the look on the Chief's face was nothing like Derek's. After a quick look of shock, his lips had slowly curved into a proud smile.

"Well, that's wonderful, Addie," He said genuinely, "When are you due?"

"Mid-November," She answered, "I'm about six weeks along."

"So, you think you're going to get maternity leave during the Christmas season? That is our busiest time of the year," He teased her.

Addison rolled her eyes, "Always the Chief."

"And that's why I'm the Chief," He asserted with a grin before wondering, on a more serious note, "And how does Derek feel about this?"

The laughter of just moments before disappeared at Richard's question. Addison allowed a sigh to escape her lips. The Chief knew of her and Derek's marital struggles, but she would never be comfortable discussing their troubles with him. With Richard, Addison had always been on a pedestal; she had felt as if she could do no wrong. Admitting to her infidelity made her flawed in his eyes, and she didn't like to accept that.

She shook her head, her lower lip quivering slightly, "It's tough right now, Richard. For both of us."

Webber's eyes took a moment to survey Addison's pained face before responding, "I know, Addie. I know."

Addison gave him a wary look and shook her head, "I—I don't think you do. It's not supposed to be this hard. I question, everyday, whether or not Derek even wants to be with me."

She paused, her voice catching in her throat as she choked away a sob. With tears glistening in her eyes, she continued, "I told him that I was having his baby, and he couldn't even muster a smile. This is Derek; someone I never thought would hurt me. We've hurt each other, and I know I'm party to blame. But I'm trying so hard to make him my Derek again. He doesn't even want to be."

Richard stood from his chair behind his desk and walked around so he was sitting on the edge of the desk in front of her. He reached out in a fatherly gesture and wiped away a tear that was dripping down her cheek.

"Go home, Addie," He smiled at her, "You're not in any shape to be here working; you need to take care of yourself. I'll find someone to cover for you."

"I'm not leaving," Addison rolled her eyes.

"Addison, you're going to work yourself sick," He chided, "Especially if you bury yourself in it when you're struggling."

"That's the pot calling the kettle black," She retorted through her tears.

Richard chuckled, "Don't think that is going to make me let you stay. This is for your own good, Addie."

* * *

Derek's Range Rover roared to life as he turned the key in the ignition and slipped it into reverse and pulled from his parking stall in the hospital parking lot. He was soon zipping through traffic, on the familiar path to the ferry that would take him back to the trailer. Navigating the path didn't require much thought from Derek, so he found his mind drifting.

He could once again see Kyle and Celia Booker; the couple that had made him realize the error in his ways. Derek had seen himself in Kyle. He was the man who had forgotten his wife. He had seen Addison in Celia. A woman so desperate she was willing to risk her life to get his attention or, in Addison's case, to sleep with her husband's best friend.

The Booker's had been lucky. They had rediscovered their love for each other before Celia's aneurysm had the chance to kill her. He had started to see her, and she had found the man she had married. And Derek had complete faith that Kyle wouldn't let his wife slip away so easily again because he, Derek, would never want to make the same mistake with Addison twice.

But had he? Had he really pushed Addison so far that she didn't even want to be there anymore? Had that shot of pain and fury he had seen in her eyes when he had given her his stunned reaction to the news of the baby been the final death of Addison's love? Was she just there? Was she truly indifferent? Was she done with him?

Derek left the Range Rover and made his way to the railing of the ferry. It was dark, and the lights of the ferry only provided him a slight view of the still water that lay in front of him. But he knew it was there; he had come to this railing with Addison many mornings before work. Though he never told her, he loved their early morning ferryboat rides. In fact, he'd never given her any honest consideration when they leaned against the railing; he had kept the sarcastic distance that made it easier to deal with her.

He sighed as he realized that the ferryboat wasn't the only place he denied Addison credit for making him happy. He had never told her how much it warmed his heart when she allowed him a sip of cocoa, her juju, before taking it and finishing it herself. He had been afraid to admit how comforting it was to wake up with her arms wrapped around his waist. He had told her that he found it annoying when she would rest her head on his shoulder to see whatever he was doing on his BlackBerry when, in fact, he found it endearing that she wanted to check up on him.

And Derek had never taken the time to mention that seeing her in the gallery observing him during surgery made him a better surgeon. Knowing that Addison was there was powerful. He felt loved. He felt confident. He felt wanted. He felt needed. He felt admired. All of this just because Addison took the time out of her day to watch him work, and he had never admitted.

As Derek directed his vehicle off of the now docked ferryboat, he wondered if he hadn't even realized how much he valued her presence until today. When his eyes had glanced into the gallery, he hadn't consciously been looking for Addison. But he had certainly felt her absence when she wasn't there. Derek silently cursed himself. He had let Addison become such a habit that he didn't even know when she was around.

And he hadn't even begun to consider how cruel his reaction to the baby had been. He had stood there, honestly terrified and almost angry, and said nothing. With a simple "Okay" he had left Addison alone. And Derek could not figure out exactly why he had done it.

What did he have to gain by hurting her in that way? It was a baby, for crying out loud. He doted heavily on his nieces and nephews. He loved children. And, at one point in his time, he would have found nothing more amazing than to have Addison carrying his child. And now all he wanted to do was to be vindictive, to ignore the baby and cause her pain.

Derek pulled the Range Rover into its spot next to Addison's car and glanced to the trailer. The lights were on, verifying that Addison was still awake. He turned off the vehicle but didn't make any moves to get out.

He couldn't spend the rest of his life angry with her. He couldn't spend the rest of his life being vindictive. He couldn't spend the rest of his life ignoring her. He needed her too much. And she needed him. At least he hoped so. She _was_ carrying his child, and Derek hoped that counted for something. Or, with the way she was treating him, it could have counted for nothing.

Derek wasn't sure where they stood on anything. He was swimming in confusion. And the only conclusions he could draw led to more questions. Addison was the person he usually turned to when he needed answers. She always seemed to know exactly what he was supposed to do, and she had never steered him wrong before.

His eyes settled on the trailer. It was time to go to Addison. It was time to talk to her. Spending time alone, wallowing in his struggles, wasn't getting him anywhere. Maybe turning to the woman he was so torn over would make the difference. It had to. Otherwise, Derek wasn't sure what he would do.

He grabbed his duffel bag before leaving the Range Rover. The short walk to the front door of the trailer seemed to have grown. It felt as if he were heading to judgment day because there was still the distinct chance that Addison really didn't care. He inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly as his hand turned the knob to the trailer door and he stepped inside.

Addison was on the bed reading a magazine, in much the same position as when he'd come home after treating Celia Booker. He leaned over and patted Doc on the head, afraid to finally turn to Addison. He could only stall for so long, and he finally turned to start for the bedroom of the trailer.

She lifted her eyes from the magazine, casually observing him but said nothing. Her gaze terrified Derek because he couldn't read it. There was no way to tell what she was thinking. He sighed and leaned against the doorjamb, not really sure of what to say.

"You weren't there," He said softly, "During my surgery, you weren't in the gallery."


	9. Chapter 7

**A/N: It took me a ridiculous amount of time to update... so sue me! I hope you enjoy it! **

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Addison heard Derek pull into the clearing in front of the trailer. She heard him kill the engine of the Range Rover. And then she heard the silence that followed. It wasn't necessary to walk to the window of the trailer to know that Derek was sitting in the vehicle alone with his thoughts.

In her mind's eye, she could see him, his eyes closed, his head back against the headrest and his breath coming in unsteady bursts. Addison's breath had stopped. She didn't know exactly what was running through Derek's mind, but _her_ mind was assuming the worst. Was he thinking about how much of a mistake having a baby was? Was he thinking about how much of a mistake staying with her was? Was he wishing Meredith was with him? Was he trying to figure out how to sign the divorce papers? Was he trying to accept Addison… as an obligation?

Addison's mind filled with every possible scenario of what Derek could be thinking. And it literally felt like ages before she finally heard him slam the door to the Range Rover.

Though she was still holding her breath and anxiously waiting for him to appear, Addison had not forgotten her vow of indifference. She could not give him the satisfaction of seeing her pain, of seeing her anger. She was stronger than that; at least that was what she wanted him to believe.

Derek stepped into the trailer, and Addison let out the breath she had been holding since she'd heard him arrive. Her feeling of relief was short-lived. He couldn't look at her. His back was turned, in a not-so-subtle effort to avoid her. From over the rim of her glasses, she watched him walk around the trailer tending to Doc and other things.

She would not say anything. She would not grovel. She would not burst into tears and tell him how much she loved him. She would not yell. Derek didn't deserve any of that. She knew it was his turn, and yet it still took everything out of her to remain silent.

Finally, Derek leaned against the doorjamb. His eyes were empty and his expression unreadable. She lifted her attention from the magazine and watched him. Just as she was preparing to open the conversation, Derek finally spoke in a near whisper.

"You weren't there. During my surgery, you weren't in the gallery."

Though Derek's voice was soft and almost afraid, it didn't stop a surge of anger from rising in Addison's chest at his words.

Who was he to accuse her of absence? Who was he to expect her to do anything? Where did he get that idea in his head? He had lost the right to make accusations when he had spent so long ignoring her.

His statement made her want to scream. It made her want to fight. She wanted to tell him exactly what she thought of him. She wanted to tell him exactly how much of an ass he had been. She wanted to push him away. She wanted to set him straight.

But she was indifferent. She raised an angry eyebrow and shrugged, "I wasn't aware watching your surgeries was my obligation."

"You always watch my surgeries," His voice was still as quiet as before, and it still felt like an accusation.

"Apparently I don't," Addison tried to put as much acid behind her words as she could manage before realizing that hurting him with sarcasm wasn't keeping with her vow of indifference.

Derek inhaled deeply before speaking again. "Well, excuse me for expecting some support from my wife. Obviously that's too much to ask," His tone was biting and sliced into her like a knife.

Addison didn't wince when his words hit her. She didn't change her expression at all. Even though it took everything out of her, her eyes remained steady and focused. She couldn't let Derek see her pain, her weaknesses. She needed a response to prove that to him. She couldn't snap and hurt him; that would negate everything she was trying to prove.

So, Addison, the indifferent, shrugged in response.

Derek closed his eyes, frustration was written across his face. Addison knew this was a sign of her indifference taking a toll on him, and she knew she should be feeling a surge of pride that she was able to make him feel as lost and hurt as he had made her. She couldn't muster any feelings of satisfaction in Derek's turmoil.

It wasn't fair at all. Turnabout was supposed to be fair play. Revenge was supposed to be sweet. But as she sat there watching him, Addison began to doubt the old clichés. Making Derek feel as horrible as she had been feeling for years didn't make her feel vindicated. It didn't make her happy. It didn't make her even.

It made her hurt. It made her sad. It made her want to cry just so he would hold her. She wanted to comfort him. She wanted to absolve him of his sins. She just wanted to be Addison and Derek, again.

Addison was absolutely revolted with herself that she felt that way. She knew she wasn't the one who should be groveling or hurting. Yes, she knew that. But she was. Her indifference was supposed to be hurting Derek, and it was only succeeding in hurting her.

If she hadn't been so used to pain, Addison would have abandoned her indifference then and there, but pain was a constant in her life. She had learned to be stronger than the pain. She had learned to ignore it. It didn't control her life; she was Addison and way too strong for it.

Derek finally broke the silence, "I just—I just—I expected you to be there is all."

"And when was the last time you bothered to watch _me_ work?" The words had flown from Addison's mouth before she even had a chance to realize what she was saying or that she was breaking her vow of indifference.

He gaped at her, and Addison could tell he was trying to formulate a response. It was as if an internal battle was raging inside him. And, when he responded after a few moments of silence, Addison wasn't sure whether he had won or lost.

"Fine," He punctuated the word and took a definite pause while he observed her face before turning away from her.

She watched as he sat on the edge of the bed, his back turned to her, and she knew he wanted her to call out to him. He wanted her to break down and put him back in control. She sighed, softly, wishing Derek would remove his clothes quicker because then she wouldn't have to watch him. And watching him almost killed her; it made the fact that she wasn't in his arms all the more real.

When Derek had stripped to his boxers and pulled a Columbia University T-shirt over his head, he turned and faced Addison. His mouth was open slightly, like he'd started to say something but suddenly couldn't find the words. Addison took this as a cue to remove her glasses and set her magazine aside, providing her a chance to avert her eyes from him. While she was doing this, Derek crawled across to his side of the bed.

Addison terminated the lights before rolling on her side away from him. It took Derek significantly longer to lie down. Even though she couldn't see him, she knew he was watching her. He didn't have to say or do anything for Addison to know that he was miffed by her turned back. Even in some of the toughest times of their marriage, they had always slept together. Not necessarily in each other's arms, but they had always slept turned into each other only inches apart.

He lay down, mimicking her actions by turning his front away from her. Addison could feel the distance, and she had to bite her lower lip to stop a sob from escaping. She knew Derek was feeling her indifference just as she had originally wanted him to. Addison had believed that Derek deserved it. That he deserved to be hurting, too.

But Addison knew what it was like to have someone treat her with indifference, and she knew exactly how painful it was. The fact that he cared meant something, but it didn't make her feel any better. She didn't want him to hurt. She wanted him happy. She wanted them _both_ happy.

Addison's mind continued to race. Her heart continued to hurt. And the space between her and Derek seemed insurmountable. But exhaustion finally overruled any of her troubles, and Addison slowly drifted to sleep.


	10. Chapter 8

**A/N:** Slowly but surely I'm working on this...

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Derek's head was pounding; he couldn't pinpoint the last time he had slept for more than six consecutive hours. His neck and back were painfully stiff; he had spent the entire morning in a grueling eight-hour surgery. His shin was stinging; he had managed to whack it on his way back into the trailer after walking Doc. But the pain of all those ailments was feeling pretty trivial to Derek.

The worst pains were the ones without physical cause. His arms absolutely ached to hold Addison. His lips were suffering from the withdrawal of not having sought Addison's in weeks. His ego was bruised from the realization that Addison didn't have any desire to admire him during surgery. His heart was being torn apart by the complete disaster that was his life. And he was pretty sure his brain would absolutely explode if he was faced with even one more problem to worry about.

He sighed, stretching his arms high above his head in an attempt to alleviate some of his tension in his back and neck, and he couldn't help but wish that alleviating his emotional pain could be solved by something as simple as stretching.

Though he wasn't particularly hungry, food seemed to have only minimal appeal lately; Derek knew that eating would provide just enough sustenance for him to survive the day. After paying for his sandwich, Derek turned in pursuit of an empty table, hoping he would find something of a private solace. But the cafeteria was mostly full, and he open table for him to sit. Sandwich in hand, Derek made his way to the extra seating outside.

Richard Webber was sitting alone at a table across the way. Derek started toward his mentor, looking forward to sitting next to someone who wouldn't cause him agony just by his presence. But, Derek realized with a small surge of disappointment, the Chief wasn't necessarily safe territory in this situation.

Richard adored Addison. From her first day as a nervous intern, Richard had pegged Addison as a bright and caring woman with more potential than ten of her colleagues combined. The relationship between the two had blossomed, and Addison quickly became like a daughter to the Webbers, even after they had one of their own.

The Chief was Derek's mentor, too. He had taught Derek how to have the composure of a great surgeon. He had watched closely as Derek had developed a career as the best neurosurgeon in the country. He had comforted Derek when his family was too overbearing. But the relationship between Derek and Richard could not compete with the one between Richard and Addison.

If Webber knew how Derek had been treating Addison, the repercussions could be fierce. Derek knew that he deserved it but also figured there were certain advantages to avoiding it for as long as possible. Then again, Derek was drowning in a sea of indecision and confusion, and he knew the Chief would certainly have helpful insight.

He was in between a rock and a hard place. Joining the Chief would certainly open him up for a brutal beating, but not joining him would force Derek to wallow in his pain indefinitely.

"How long are you going to stand there without speaking, Shep?" Richard wondered without turning around.

Derek was shocked by the Chief's omnipotence, and he took a few steps forward, "Fine. Can I join?"

Richard motioned to the open seat across from him and nodded.

"How did you know I was standing back there?" Derek wondered, trying to gauge the Chief's temperament.

Richard raised an eyebrow, "I know all, Shep."

The way his mentor punctuated the words caused a knot to form in Derek's stomach. Richard _knew_. Not that it really shocked Derek, but the Chief's admission was venomous. It wasn't nearly as terrifying as the moments when he wondered if he had truly lost Addison, but it was close. Damn close.

He raised his gaze from his sandwich but still avoided Richard's eyes, "It's not that simple. I'm really-"

Webber silenced Derek with a motion of his hand, "No. You aren't going to talk. I'm going to talk, and you are going to listen. This is my prerogative as your mentor."

"But if you understood-," Derek tried again, but was silenced by the same hand gesture.

"I understand, and you need to hear this," Richard's voice was even, and he paused to collect his thoughts before continuing.

"23 years ago I fell in lust, maybe it was love, I don't know, with a woman," Richard took a moment for Derek to take in the information before continuing, "I was married and so was she. We were both interns and bonded over the shared experience. As far as I was concerned, Adele just didn't understand what it was like.

"It was so much easier to find someone who knew what it was like to work shifts that last for days and then be called back into work within minutes of laying down in bed. In our rare spare time, we dreamed. We dreamed of having a real relationship. We dreamed of leaving our spouses. We dreamed of being two of the greatest surgeons and working side by side. We dreamed of a life together.

"Then it came time to choose. She was going to leave her husband, and I was going to leave Adele. We had it all planned. We were going to be a family. We were going to have everything we ever dreamed of. I came home, to Adele, one night after my shift with plans to tell her I was leaving, and I faltered," Richard paused here, trying to steady his voice as the emotions of the time came running back to him.

Derek no longer felt the need to interrupt. He didn't feel the need to explain himself. His eyes were focused directly on the Chief's face. Without even knowing how the story would end, Derek was able to draw the parallels. He knew his mentor's pain all too well.

Richard inhaled deeply and continued, "I'm a world renowned surgeon. I'm decisive. I don't second-guess myself. And when I was standing there in front of Adele, I faltered. Waves of doubt and indecision crashed over me. Suddenly, I couldn't see why I was planning on leaving this woman. She was spunky, beautiful and had made a pledge to love and cherish me forever. She would stand by my side till the end of time and never question it.

"Obviously, I didn't leave Adele. Instead, I took her in my arms and tried to make up for every transgression I had ever made. She didn't know, and she still doesn't. But I chose my wife, who held my past and my memories over the woman who shared my dreams."

Derek finally had to speak, "What happened?"

Richard nodded and answered, "The other woman took her five-year-old daughter and left her husband. She never forgave me. She also became one of the best surgeons in the country and would never marry or love again. Her work became her life and her love.

"I was completely broken. I may have chosen Adele, but I still wanted the woman. I wanted our playful intelligent relationship. I wanted someone who _knew_ what it was like. But I couldn't give up my wife. I drowned my sorrows in bourbon. Adele stood by my side during drunken nights and terrible hangovers. She never questioned me; she had faith in our relationship. She nursed me back to health, and I became as normal as I could be. It wasn't long after that we moved to New York, away from the city that held my darkest secrets. I pocketed them away. My AA sponsor and, now, you are the only people I have ever told."

"Do I already know why you chose to tell me this?" Derek wondered softly.

"I chose my wife, Derek. I know how hard it is. I know how easy it is to go off with the woman who shares your dreams and ignore the one who holds your past. I know how hard it is to make a decision, but I also know I handled it poorly. I abandoned Adele, and I wounded a woman whose only mistake was caring for me. I was a mess of indecision and pain," Richard answered, "I don't want history to repeat itself."

Derek sighed. "Did you make the right choice?"

"I love my wife, Derek," the Chief shrugged, "That's all I know."

"Are you telling me to find Addison and never let her go? To chose her?" Derek wondered, a hint of desperation creeping into his voice.

"I'm telling you to make a choice. I'm telling you to take that woman in your arms and never look back. You choose whom you are going to love and love her. Love her like she is the only one you have ever loved. Don't wallow. Don't be indecisive. Make a choice," Richard advised softly.

"But she hurt me," Derek whined softly, his tone leaving no question as to which _she_ he was referring to.

"No, Derek. You don't get to do that. You choose the woman, and you don't get to make excuses," Richard answered, "You don't get to blame Addison for your choice. You don't get to blame Meredith. You don't get to hurt two of the women I love the most."

In his mind's eye Derek could see the women in question. He could see Addison with her fiery red hair and pale skin. He could see her witty personality and intelligence. He could suddenly hear her whispering her vows on their wedding day, sobbing as he left her in bed with his best friend, yelling about how much she hated his trailer and snapping at him about not watching her work. He could feel her arms wrapped around him. He could taste her lips and skin.

With a sudden realization, Derek looked back up to the Chief, "Do you regret choosing her?"

"She's my wife, Shep," Richard answered and then wondered, "Do you know what you're going to do."

Derek smiled bitter sweetly, "She's my wife, Chief."


	11. Chapter 9

**A/N**: I have a soft spot for this chapter. Derek Shepherd trying to be a good guy... not a common thing...

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Derek sighed, leaning heavily on the railing of the catwalk not really watching the city that was displayed in front of him. And Derek chose—he chose Addison. And, yet, even after the epiphany that his wife was his choice; Derek was as confused as ever.

According to the Chief, he was supposed to love Addison. He was supposed to make up all his transgressions against her. He was supposed to make her the only woman in his life. Not only that, but Derek also had to sever all his ties with Meredith. He was supposed to let her go, as a friend and a lover. He was supposed to say goodbye.

All of that seemed like a huge undertaking to Derek. He didn't know how to prove to Addison that he loved her and only her. He didn't know how to begin overcoming the mountain of issues they had to face. He didn't know how to show that he was ready to be a father or if he was even really ready to be one. And, though Meredith would never be his choice, Derek knew saying goodbye to her wouldn't be easy.

Derek glanced down at his watch, he had been standing in the same spot for a little over an hour, and he was no closer to a solution. He pushed away from the railing and began walking in the direction of the surgical nurse's station. Lately, Derek was never closer to knowing how to solve his problems, but fixing the broken pieces of his life wouldn't happen without finding Addison.

She wasn't anywhere he could easily see when he made it to the nurse's station, so he turned and looked to the board. According to it, A. Shepherd was performing a C-section in OR 2 rather soon. As he contemplated what to do while waiting for her to finish the operation, Derek could suddenly hear Addison from the night before.

"_And when was the last time you bothered to watch me work?"_

Derek sighed. The answer to that question had escaped him the night before and was still evading him now because he didn't even know when he had last observed Addison in surgery. He remembered watching, in awe and admiration, her perform countless C-sections, hysterectomies and other surgeries over the years. Slowly, Derek had stopped feeling the need to watch his wife, and he couldn't pinpoint the last time he had.

It wasn't even a question; Derek needed to watch Addison's surgery.

And that was how he found himself sitting on the first row of the empty gallery above OR 2 watching as Addison made the opening incision. Her hand was steady and practiced, proving what Derek already knew. That Addison truly was the best in her field. He continued watching, transfixed, as she slowly directed the scalpel through the layers in textbook maneuvers.

Derek couldn't help but feel a small surge of pride while watching Addison. She was his wife, and she was talented. No one could deliver a baby, care for a grieving mother, perform speedy C-sections or any number of other duties as well as Addison.

Watching her perform surgery was a hidden pleasure. It was something he could go for months without doing and never miss it, but once he found himself in the gallery above her, he was home. Derek absolutely loved it. It was a time when he felt truly connected to Addison without the baggage of their issues. He could only equate it to how he felt when he looked up from his own surgery and locked eyes with Addison watching him.

"You look like your carrying the weight of the world," A soft voice interrupted Derek's admiration of his wife.

Derek whipped his head to Meredith, who was now sitting in the chair to his right. For just a moment, Derek was swimming in her eyes, in the idea of how easy it was just to be with her. But even as his lips were curling into a smile, the Chief's advice began echoing in his head. He couldn't do it anymore. He couldn't choose Addison and still have Meredith at arm's reach.

He dropped his eyes from Meredith to his hands. Why did this have to be so damn hard? Was he seriously strong enough to make all of these decisions?

"Derek?" Meredith's cautious voice broke through his thoughts again.

Derek breathed a heavy sigh and didn't lift his gaze, "Meredith."

"Derek, you can talk to me. We're friends," Meredith placed a hand softly on his shoulder.

After silently reminding himself that severing ties with Meredith was better for everyone involved, Derek lifted his eyes to Meredith and spoke softly, "We need to talk, Meredith."

It was Meredith's turn to shift her eyes to her hands, "Um, okay."

"Before I say anything, you have to understand how hard this is for me Meredith," Derek reached out and used his fingers to direct her chin so she was looking at him, "What we had was _amazing_. You are an amazing person. And you need to know that what we had does mean something to me."

Derek broke off at this point. Meredith was looking at him with wide and pained eyes. He hated knowing he was the cause of her hurt.

"Stop," Her voice cracked, "I don't want to hear the rest."

He could hear Richard telling him to choose one woman, and Derek knew it was the right thing to do. Holding on to Meredith was childish. He had to be the man to push his mistress away. He had to break it off. It was best for Meredith and himself.

Any question Derek had was erased when his eyes drifted out the gallery window and he saw Addison.

Mustering up all of the strength he could manage, Derek continued, "You were wronged, Mer. Those two months we were together were wonderful, but they were ultimately a lie. I was hiding from reality, and I regret that you had to get caught up in my stupidity. For that, I am sorry."

At his apology, Meredith closed her eyes to block tears from forming and whispered, "I know."

"My point is, I can't be your friend, or your not-friend, anymore, Meredith," He tried to use as much finesse and sympathy with his words as possible, "Continuing a relationship with you has become my way of holding on to our relationship. I chose my wife when she first came to Seattle, and she is still my choice."

"Did Addison ask you to do this?" Meredith's voice was tearful but still held an icy venom.

Derek flashed her a stern glare, "Addison doesn't know that I'm doing this, Meredith. She doesn't even really like me right now. And, frankly, I wouldn't like me much either. I haven't been the husband or man that I should be. It's not your fault, but my friendship with you _is_ part of the problem."

"Please don't, Derek," Meredith's chin was quivering and tears were filling her eyes.

"Meredith," Derek shook his head, but he couldn't continue while tears were running down her face.

She placed one hand on his cheek, her eyes looking into his, "Derek, you once said that you were drowning and that I saved you. Now I'm drowning. I need a friend, Derek. I need you. Don't leave me drowning."

Trying to be understanding, not callous, Derek brushed her hand from his cheek, "No, Meredith. Addison is my choice. No one is benefiting from you and I being friends. It's hurting both of us, and it's not fair to Addison. Find someone, Meredith. You have a lot to offer to a man, and I want you to be happy. I really do. You can't be happy if you're still holding on to what we had."

Meredith shook her head.

"We'll still see each other. I don't want this to have any bearing on your career. We are colleagues. But it's time to say good bye," Derek put a hand on Meredith's cheek, just as she had done to him moments before, and brought her face closer to his. He placed a friendly kiss on her forehead, "Thank you, Meredith."

He watched as she stood slowly and walked to the door leading from the gallery. She turned, wiping the tears from her cheeks with the back of her hand, "It's not fair, Derek."

"Nothing is fair, Meredith," He countered softly. His eyes didn't leave her retreating figure until the door was closed and he was once again alone in the gallery.

Addison was looking up at him over her surgical mask, and their eyes met. Derek's heart stopped. Her gaze was frigid and seemed permanently locked on him. After the longest seconds of his life, Addison finally looked back down at the premature baby she had just extracted from the woman's uterus and went to work.

Derek didn't need anymore than that one look from her to know that he had a lot of work to do.


	12. Chapter 10

**A/N**: The next chapter (chapter 11) is really good... so read this one and enjoy... but know that it only gets better!

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Addison had a sickening feeling in her stomach, and it had nothing to do with the nausea of morning sickness. She swallowed hard as she remembered what she had seen when her eyes had drifted to the observation gallery above her surgery. Addison had seen Meredith Grey's hand softly holding Derek's cheek. She had seen Derek return the favor before pressing a kiss to the other woman's forehead. And, before Derek had turned and locked eyes with Addison, she had seen him watch Meredith's retreating figure.

It was Derek's lingering commitment to Meredith that was almost making Addison physically ill. Derek no longer grazed his hand along Addison's cheeks in intimate gestures. The same was also true for soft kisses on her forehead that spoke volumes. Witnessing moments between Derek and Meredith only served to prove to Addison that, emotionally at least, Derek seemed to still be choosing Meredith.

A sigh escaped Addison's lips. Had she honestly been replaced by Meredith in Derek's heart? Judging by the intimacy of the moment she had witnessed in the gallery, the answer was yes, but Addison couldn't deny that there was something more.

Just as clearly as she remembered the scene in the gallery from just an hour before, Addison could recall her encounter with Derek from the previous night. He had come into the trailer and, not very eloquently, wondered why she hadn't been there during his surgery. His accusation had soon elevated into an argument that had concluded with Addison reminding him that he never watched _her_.

And, until now, he never had. During their time in Seattle, Derek had never bothered to take the time out to show Addison that he cared. He had been indifferent and absent, despite his claims to the contrary, but he had come to the gallery. He had watched her surgery. He had made the effort.

Maybe he did care. Or maybe it was just coincidence. His heart could very well still have been devoted to Meredith. It seemed that everywhere Addison looked, Derek was throwing her conflicting messages, and decoding them was almost more than one woman could handle.

This was why, Addison reminded herself, she had chosen a path of indifference. Trying to decipher Derek's conflicting messages was beyond confusing. It was tiring, difficult and, usually, fruitless. And she certainly didn't have the time to figure out what Derek's encounter in the gallery meant for her marriage.

It was time to flip the switch. It was time to become Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd. She could no longer be burdened by her petty personal problems. There was a newborn just inside the NICU who needed her undivided attention, and Addison fully intended to provide it.

After inhaling a deep, calming breath, Addison entered the NICU and approached the newborn. A satisfied smile crossed her face as she looked over the chart. According to the notes, the child, despite the typical problems of having a premature birth was perfectly healthy. Addison looked up from the chart to search for the NICU shift nurse, but her eyes landed on a completely different figure standing in the entrance to the unit.

Derek's hands were shoved deep in the pockets of his jacket, and he kept his gaze on the floor as he approached the incubator she was standing next to.

"Did you have fun with Meredith?" The words poured from Addison's mouth in a sickeningly sweet tone before she had a chance to stop them. So much for indifference.

He winced at her jab and sighed, "Addie."

The conflicting emotions Addison had pushed aside when she entered the NICU rose to the surface with just one word from Derek. Though his voice was laced with frustration, there was no anger. He sounded desperate, lost. Not at all like a man trying to hurt his wife by running around with an ex.

Addison sighed; it would have been so much easier if everything were cut and dry. It would have been simpler if Derek were in love with her and completely invested in their marriage or if he were just the jerk cavorting with his ex to hurt his wife, but Addison couldn't see exactly where Derek was. She knew the pain of seeing him with Meredith and the small glimpse of hope from seeing him in the gallery, but she didn't know where Derek stood.

And Addison hated not knowing, even more than the pain of knowing her husband still held some intimacy and emotional connection with Meredith Grey.

After studying his features for a moment, Addison wondered harshly, "You came, Derek, and she came with you. Why would you bring her up there? Is it not any fun if _everyone_ on the surgical staff can't see you?"

"Addie," Derek attempted to push back the agitation in his voice.

She didn't wait to see if Derek had anything to say after her name. Barely pausing for a breath, Addison continued furiously, "Last night you come into the trailer _accusing _me of missing your surgery, like somehow it's my responsibility to be there. And then I point out that you never watch _me_ working. You do, but you still have Meredith there. Is rubbing your relationship with her in my face a game for you? You can't even stay away from her long enough to do something for me."

Addison became silent as the anger and frustration finished pouring from her. She waited, with bated breath, for some reaction from Derek. But, instead of some biting remark about her infidelity or lashing out about his feelings for Meredith, Derek gaped at her.

His stare was blank, as if he was still processing her words, but his eyes finally flashed with anger that was soon replaced with something softer and more painful. She bit her lip as he opened his mouth to respond.

"I wasn't there for Meredith! I was telling her that we had to end it because I love _you_, Addison! I choose you, Addison."

Addison didn't get a chance to reply. When Derek finished, he turned sharply and stormed from the NICU leaving Addison alone.

"Don't go, Derek," Addison whispered after his retreating figure.

She wanted desperately to follow him. She wanted to know what had prompted his change of heart, to let him know that she loved him too. But she had a duty to the preemie in the incubator in front of her, and Addison couldn't follow directly. She could only hope, as her eyes once again searched for the shift nurse, that Derek would be there and ready to talk when she got to the trailer.


	13. Chapter 11

**A/N**: My favorite chapter thus far! Please review... I love reading what you guys think!

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Derek loved her. Addison. For the second time in under a year, Derek had chosen her. Addison. He had ended his relationship with Meredith, for her. These new, and completely unexpected, revelations had been thrown haphazardly at Addison in the middle of the Neonatal ICU during what she thought was a fight.

Derek loved her.

Yet Addison wasn't quite sure what to make of all of it. Any proclamation of love coming from Derek sent her heart soaring. With the exception of his frustrated admission from just minutes before, Addison couldn't even remember the last time he had told her he loved her. But there was no doubt it had been a long, long, long time.

It amazed her that, even now, hearing those three words made Addison feel like she was the luckiest 23 year old just falling for the hottest medical student in their year. She could remember nights spent in his arms, as close as two people could be. She could remember him flashing her his trademark grin and making her feel like the only woman on earth.

The effect of a simple "I love you" from Derek terrified Addison. She couldn't trust herself to keep an even head around him. She needed the reassurance that his break-up with Meredith was really the end. He needed to reaffirm that she was his choice. _They_ needed to have a talk that consisted of more than heated, snappy comebacks.

And, as she rounded the corner and the trailer came into view, Addison couldn't figure out for the life of her how to make everything happen.

Derek's figure was silhouetted against the light coming from the trailer as he watched Doc run about doing his business. He made almost no movement of recognition while her car slowly approached, and she wasn't sure if it was indifference or Derek's attempt at being casual. Regardless, he said nothing as she got out of her car and approached him, calling on all of her self-control to not throw her arms around his neck and pledge undying love.

"Hey," She called out softly, trying to mimic his attitude as she moved to stand next to him.

He glanced over at her for the first time and gave her a quick smile, "Hey."

_That_ smile. A woman could get lost in that smile. Addison knew all about losing herself in that smile for it had once been the only way he looked at her. Addison was thankful that it was dark and she couldn't see it clearly.

Addison's concentration had been so focused on ignoring his smile, that she hadn't noticed Derek shifting his weight between his feet and cracking his knuckles in nervous movements. She hadn't noticed him open his mouth several times to say something, only to stop when he thought better of it.

She finally forced her eyes up to his face, silently reminding herself to remain levelheaded. It was then that she noticed the fear and reluctance in his eyes and realized that Derek may have been sharing her emotional roller coaster. She took several moments to appraise him before inhaling deeply and trying to get her confirmation.

"Derek?" Her voice was weaker than intended, and she couldn't manage to finish with anything more than his name.

"Hmmm?"

"Did you—" Addison cut herself off, trying to find the proper wording for her question, "In the gallery, I saw—I mean, was that really—"

Derek, who seemed to have finally found is voice, cut her off, "The end."

Addison answered with a hesitant nod.

"I—I know what it might have looked like," He spoke slowly, "And I guess, you should expect _that_."

Derek's voice trailed off. Addison opened her mouth to respond, to reassure him, but he silenced her with a hand motion.

"Please, don't interrupt me," He looked desperate and lost, "I went to watch your surgery, for you, Addison. Meredith found me. And, it all comes down to me loving you, Add. I can't be friends with Meredith if I want to love you."

She'd been strong and stoic for far longer than she'd ever thought possible. It was a miracle in itself that she had made it this far without throwing herself in his arms. She couldn't help it. Derek's statements of love had always been her weakness.

Still remaining as collected as possible, her lips curled into a huge grin and she replied, "I love you, too."

Addison waited, but Derek didn't respond. His eyes seemed to be searching and were pointedly avoiding her gaze. She watched as he opened and closed his mouth twice, words failing him.

After at least a minute of his stunned silence, Addison felt her stomach clench with nerves. She couldn't stand it, "Derek?"

At this, Derek met her gaze and shot her a playful grin. He barely allowed her a moment to consider what he might be thinking because, before she even knew what was happening, Derek had grabbed her arms and kissed her square on the lips.

* * *

Kissing Addison with enough passion to leave them both breathless was the most natural thing in the world to Derek. And, yet, it registered that he hadn't initiated a kiss like this in more than a year. Far too long for a couple that, at one time, considered a day without affection unbearable.

He pulled away from the kiss, their heavy breaths mingling in the short space between them. His lips curled into a grin as her eyes slowly opened and locked with his. She leaned back in for a quick kiss before stepping away.

"Derek?" Her voice teemed with uncertainty and her eyes were fixed on some indiscriminate point near his shoes.

"Addie," He reached out and lifted her chin, "I love you."

"I love you, too," She confirmed with a breath of relief.

He stepped closer to her, his arms wrapping around her waist and leaned in to press a kiss to her lips, "Addie, I think we've done enough talking for today."

She gave an incoherent murmur of approval while their lips were still locked, causing Derek to grin. He broke away while their lips were still locked and allowed her to lead him onto the trailer's porch.

Needing the feel of her lips against his as soon as possible, Derek spun Addison around as she was reaching for the door and pinned her against the side of the trailer. He hovered his mouth just above hers, relishing in the closeness before pushing her even more forcefully against the trailer with another kiss.

He trailed his hands up the side of her body and tangled them in her red hair. With his hands in her hair and the weight of his body pinning hers against the trailer, Derek was in complete control. A breathy moan escaped Addison's lips as he pulled away to bite playfully at her lower lip.

"You're beautiful," Derek murmured.

And it was the truth. Her head was resting back against the trailer, almost as if she didn't have the strength to keep it upright. Her eyes were fluttering between completely closed and halfway closed, a sure sign of the deliriousness his attention was inducing. And her swollen lips were slightly parted, just waiting for him to kiss them.

So he did. His lips met hers and his tongue met hers, and he kissed her. And, for some time, all Derek did was kiss Addison. It was erotic and powerful. It was intoxicating, and Derek was intent on continuing it for as long as possible.

But, finally, he conceded to needing more than just kissing. He freed one of his hands from her hair and slid his fingers along the closed buttons of her shirt. As if reading his mind, Addison freed the shirt from her skirt, and his hand made its way up the inside.

His hand cupped her breast, and he lightly thumbed her nipple through the light fabric of her bra causing Addison to moan.

Derek grinned. Listening to Addison never got old or mundane. Though he could usually pinpoint exactly how she would sound at any moment, it never bored him. In fact, he relished in hearing her breathy moans a soft touches like this. Later would come the deeper ones that usually were accompanied with his name. There were a million others in between and they were all turn-ons.

When Addison moaned again her body lurched slightly, creating friction against his groin. Derek's eyes rolled back in his head, and he bit his lip to stay in control.

Addison obviously caught sight of this because, before he even knew what was happening, her hand was square against his chest pushing him backward. She took a fistful of his shirt in her hand and pulled him in for a forceful kiss that was all Addison. She flung the door to the trailer and began pulling him inside.

"My turn," She smirked pushing him hard against the counter and nipping at his earlobes.

Her hands dug at the waistband of his jeans, freeing his shirt. She began trailing her lips down his neck as she unbuttoned his shirt only far enough so that she could pull it over his head. Her kisses continued their way down his now naked chest, making it impossible for him to rid her of any clothing.

She stopped her trail of kisses at his belly button and flicked her tongue inside the concave as she her hands worked at undoing his jeans. When he brought his hands to help she playfully swatted them away and all he could do was tangle his hands in her hair and enjoy whatever it was she was doing.

Once Derek had been freed of his pants, Addison took his lips in another kiss and began guiding him toward the bed. She pushed him down onto the bed and crawled so she was straddling him.

Derek smiled, her face was directly above his and her red hair was everywhere, "How is it that I'm always in my underwear before you've lost any clothing?"

"I like my Derek naked," She shrugged, capturing his lips in a kiss and reaching down to shove his boxers from his legs.

Figuring he wasn't in any room to complain, Derek just grinned and brought his hands up to begin undoing her blouse.

With Addison's help, her clothing was soon discarded in a pile on the floor.

Now that she was sufficiently without clothing, Derek used his strength to turn Addison over so now he was on top. He grinned down at her and lowered his lips to hers for a passionate kiss.

When the kiss ended, Derek locked eyes with her, and Addison gave him an almost imperceptible nod. Taking this as a sign, Derek pressed his lips to hers and entered her, eliciting a low groan from both of them.

"I love you, Addie," Derek whispered as they began moving together.

"I love you, Derek," Addison repeated the sentiment breathily.

After that, everything became a blur for the both of them. They moved together until he pushed her over the edge the first time, his name resting on her lips. The second time Addison came, Derek did too. Their sounds echoed in the trailer long after Derek had collapsed on the pillow next to her.

It took minutes for Derek's heart rate to slow and his breathing to become even once again. Until that moment came, however, he kept his eyes closed reveling in his post-coital satisfaction. Making love with Addison was far greater than any pleasure he had ever known, and he knew it had been months, years even, since they had truly made the connection.

He wasn't about to forget this moment, this moment of pure bliss. But finally he opened his eyes and turned his head to look at Addison. Their eyes met, and he could see the uncertainty and fear clouding them.

"I'm sorry it's been so long," He whispered, uncertain of his own voice.

Addison's only response was to nod her head in silent understanding and scoot closer to him, resting her head on his chest.

Their encounter in the NICU had not gone at all like Derek had planned. It had been optimistic and naïve, but he had thought finding her there would be a fix-all. He could tell her about his feelings and how he was going to make a change and begin loving her. Of course, there would still be work to do, but he'd wanted to leave the NICU hand-in-hand with her by his side.

But Addison had abandoned her indifference and attacked him verbally. Derek knew he deserved it, but it had ruined his game plan. Instead of walking from the NICU with Addison at his side, he had yelled at her and stormed away alone.

After experiencing one plan destroyed by his own stupidity, Derek returned to the trailer working on another. By the time Addison arrived, he had a plan. He would confess his sins, apologize for his transgressions and profess his love. It was simple and foolproof.

It was as foolproof as any plan involving Addison Shepherd could be. She'd always had a way of throwing Derek's preconceived notions right out the window with her beauty and flair. The terrified look in her eyes as she had stepped out of her car was what had ruined his second plan.

She was there. She was hurt. She was gorgeous. And she was standing a few feet from him, waiting. Derek knew he should have started with apologies and explanations followed by proclamations of love when she greeted him. He _wanted_ to wrap her in his arms in a gesture of comfort and shower her in kisses. All he actually managed was a quick smile and a feeble, "Hey."

Their eyes met for a moment, and Derek was no longer seeing his broken wife standing next to him. She was suddenly the fiery red-headed med student who had shown him what it was like to experience true passion. She was the beautiful girl who had pledged the rest of her life to him with a soft-spoken, "I do." She was sexy.

And that made him nervous. He had twelve years to live up to. He had a myriad of transgressions to apologize for. He had an amazingly gorgeous woman to love. It all seemed like a bit more than anyone could actually handle, much less a simple man like himself.

He opened his mouth to explain himself, but nothing seemed adequate. He tried again, but it was still futile. Only Addison could degrade him to a crumbling tower of inadequacy. It was unsettling, but he also found it oddly comforting. It put him in his place.

"Derek?" Addison weakly broke his thoughts.

"Hmmm?" He responded, anticipating the worst.

There was an uncertainty to Addison's voice that comforted Derek. She was struggling, too. Suddenly he felt much less alone.

Taking this comfort, he interrupted, "The end."

Her hesitant nod let him know there was more to explain, "I—I know what it might have looked like. And I guess, you should expect _that_."


	14. Chapter 12

**A/N**: You make me very happy when you review...

* * *

When the alarm blared to wake her up the next morning, Addison trailed her hand out to hit the snooze and silence it, but she didn't open her eyes. She was afraid that, if she opened her eyes, she would find that it was all a dream. She would discover that Derek hadn't ended things with Meredith Grey, that he hadn't told her he loved her, that they hadn't had some of the most amazing sex of their relationship. Keeping her eyes closed assured that the dream didn't disappear to quickly.

And, if it wasn't a dream, Addison still didn't want to open her eyes. Derek had promised to end things with Meredith before. He had told her he loved her. They had made love. They had done all those things and nothing had ever changed.

The way Addison figured, opening her eyes was just too risky. So she kept them closed. Reliving the feel of Derek's hands against her skin. Remembering the taste of his lips against hers. Recalling his repeated murmurs of love. It had been the epitome of perfect, and Addison wasn't quite ready to give that up.

But, of course, she was only granted solace for a few minutes before a wave of nausea sent her almost flying out of bed and into the bathroom. She sat back on her heels after emptying the contents of her stomach and sighed. Her eyes were open now. She had to face reality. Which, she realized as she stood to rinse her mouth at the sink, involved trying to figure out exactly where her husband was.

She stepped from the bathroom and confirmed that Derek wasn't in the trailer. She momentarily considered that he had left her and that last night had just been a good bye. But Addison decided that wasn't likely, considering Derek had nowhere left to run. She also knew there were many other, more likely, explanations for his absence. Fishing, walking Doc and a page from the hospital topped that list.

Worrying about Derek's absence was a futile task; Addison knew. She had spent more than her fair share of time wondering about her husband's whereabouts and waiting for him to return home.

So she glanced back to the bed, wanting desperately to crawl underneath the covers and retreat to her blissful state. It wasn't even an option, though, because she needed to shower and dress. A few extra minutes in bed reminiscing about great sex wasn't worth not looking completely put together at work.

With this decision made, Addison snaked her arm inside the trailer's pathetic excuse for a shower and turned the water on full blast. When the temperature was to her liking, she discarded the T-shirt of Derek's she had put on sometime during the night and stepped in. Addison dipped her head back underneath the stream of water to wet her hair.

Just as Addison was preparing to reach for the shampoo, the shower door opened and she jumped into the air.

"Did I scare you?" Derek asked, blatantly perusing her body up and down.

"Half to death," She admonished, but then wondered, "Where were you?"

"I once heard that ginger ale was helpful in curbing pregnancy nausea," He answered, "So I ran to the store to get some. Am I too late?"

"Yeah," She confirmed, not able to contain the huge smile that was spreading across her face.

Derek had gone out of his way to take care of her, something he had done often in the early stages of their marriage. He was always the first one to make sure she had chicken soup when she came down with a cold, and he had spent almost an entire sleepless night holding her hair after she'd eaten some bad fish. But that comforting, caring Derek had been lost over the years. The fact that he was making some gesture to take care of her was a positive sign.

"Sorry," He apologized.

"It's okay. Thank you," She leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss to his lips.

"Your welcome," He kissed her again.

"Now would you please shut the door; you're letting all the cold air in," She admonished.

Derek stepped back and started to shut the shower door, but then he stuck his head back in the opening, "Do you mind if I join you?"

Addison had to do a double take at his question. Was he really being spontaneous and sexy? Was he really showing a distinct interest in spending time so close to her naked body? Was he really being the Derek he used to be?

Sure, he had told her had chosen her. He had told her he'd called things off with Meredith Grey. They had made love, and she hadn't had to wonder if he had spent the entire time picturing an intern. All of these things should have made it very easy for Addison to believe that Derek was actually standing at the shower door with a playful grin and a devilish gleam in his eye.

But it seemed to good to be true. It seemed foreign. And it was definitely not expected.

"Addie?" Derek spoke slowly; the grin fading from his face.

She figured this was proof that he was _really_ asking. So she raised an eyebrow suggestively and grinned, "Of course."

At that, Derek hastily pulled his T-shirt from his head and set to undoing his blue jeans. But, just as he was getting ready to slide the Levi's down his hip, a pager sounded from the bedroom. He instinctively glanced in that direction then back at Addison.

"It's mine," She heaved a disappointed sigh, "Would you see what they want?"

"Sure," He agreed, giving her an apologetic kiss and heading off to find her pager.

* * *

The page had been a 9-1-1 from one of the OB residents asking Addison to come in because one of their high-risk patients had suddenly taken a turn for the worst. Addison had told Derek he didn't need to come into the hospital a full two hours early just because she was. Derek would hear none of it. A few extra hours at work couldn't really do any harm, and if it meant a ferry ride with Addison, he was willing to do it.

That had been his first attempt at showing Addison he'd made his choice. They weren't fixed, by any means, and he knew it wouldn't be easy to remember Richard's sage advice. But Derek was determined to do his best. He was determined to show Addison that he loved her. He was determined to be the best father possible to their child. He was determined to work past their problems, of which there were still many.

But after last night's amazing events, all Derek really wanted to do was have sex with his wife. She was gorgeous and terribly sexy, both in scrubs and her typical clothing. It was hard to understand how a man married to all of _that_ wouldn't be content to simply spend his days making love, but Derek knew it was entirely possible. Because last night was the first time in years that he'd actually initiated sex. It had been nothing short of perfect, and he had felt as close to Addison as ever.

To top it all off, he'd been given a fantastic opportunity that morning when he'd come across her in the shower, but he hadn't had the time to act on his desires. And that disappointment was slowly eating away at him, making it difficult to concentrate on the chart in front of him.

With all the concentration he could muster, Derek forced himself to scribble down the post op instructions for the patient in 313. Upon finishing that task, Derek replaced the chart and glanced at his watch. It was 1:30, and he wondered if Addison were free for lunch because he hadn't seen her since they'd gone their separate ways early that morning.

After going to his locker to retrieve a can of ginger ale, Derek set off in search of his wife. He didn't have to look far; she was currently leaning against the nurses' station going over a patient's chart with Izzie Stevens. With a smile, he approached the two women coming up behind Addison.

"Dr. Stevens," He greeted Izzie and brushed Addison's hair behind her shoulder so he could kiss her cheek, "Addison."

"Dr. Shepherd," Izzie responded politely, although she wasn't particularly skilled at hiding her surprise at Derek's affectionate actions.

Addison, too, was surprised, but she didn't really bother to hide it, "What is it, Derek?"

"I was hoping I could steal you away for a bit and buy you lunch?" He suggested.

After glancing down at her watch, Addison nodded, "Uh, sure. That sounds good. Can you hold on?"

"Take your time," Derek took a few steps backward and leaned against the counter while waiting.

"Our biggest worry right now is the liver," Addison continued her explanation to Izzie, "So you'll need to update me on her bili count regularly."

Izzie nodded, "I can do that."

"I'll be back before Mrs. Johnson's C-section at three. Page me if you have any problems," She instructed the intern.

"I will do that," Izzie agreed, "Have fun."

"I will," Addison smiled and turned around to face Derek.

"Ready?" He offered his hand to her and showed her the can in his other hand, "You feeling alright?"

"It comes and goes," She shrugged, taking the can from him and opening it, "Thanks."

"You're welcome," Derek responded, "Do you have time to walk down to that deli around the corner or should we just settle for the cafeteria?"

"I have surgery at three and a few patients to check on before then," She pushed the down button on the elevator, "The cafeteria is probably the better option."

"Cafeteria it is," He agreed, leading her onto the empty elevator.

Derek had a thing for elevators, something most of Seattle Grace's staff had figured out in his short time there. Now he was alone in an elevator with his wife, and he couldn't seem to shake the visual of her gorgeous body in the shower from hours before. So it only stood to reason that the instant the doors to the elevator shut, Derek had captured her lips with his and moved his hand onto her stomach.

He was exceptionally grateful when Addison reciprocated the kiss and actually worked at opening his lips with her tongue. Derek stepped in closer, wrapping his arms around her waist, and continued kissing her languidly. Of course, the trip between floors only lasted a few seconds, and they were forced to end the kiss too soon when the doors opened at their desired floor.

He allowed Addison to lead the way out of the confines of the elevator and in the direction of the cafeteria. Derek kept a supportive hand on the small of her back and didn't mention his disappointment until she stopped outside the doors of the cafeteria.

"I'll bet I could find us an empty on call room," He leaned in and whispered suggestively in her ear, fully expecting her to chide him for his suggestions.

After a moments pause, Addison turned and pressed a soft kiss to his lips, "I think we deserve it."

Derek was forced to do a double take, not instantly able to believe that Addison had agreed so easily. At one time, he wouldn't have found her willingness so surprising. They were Addison and Derek, after all, and Addison and Derek tended to come with a lot of sex. The current state of their marriage wasn't quite the same, and they both had to work past hurdles. At times he had fleetingly wondered if they had both simply lost interest.

But, now, she was looking at him with a dirty gleam in her eye, waiting for his confirmation, and Derek grinned. Maybe having sex in the on-call room would finally push the sex-crazed thoughts out of his head, and he could concentrate on repairing their marriage and being a neurosurgeon. Or the encounter could make his situation worse, increasing his desire for Addison significantly.

Derek's thoughts were interrupted when Addison shoved him against the closed door of the on-call room and fused her lips to his.


End file.
